The Two Societal Narratives that are inescapable as a Stay at Home Mom
Not a day passes in which I forget the criticism of our lifestyle by family, friends, and the coworkers who get a peak into our lives. If you are a stay at home mom or house wife, you know the drill. The truths society accepts about stay at moms are: either you are too lazy (or lack the ambition) to get out in the workforce, or your husband is controlling.
There is no in between.
No alternate reality.
There certainly isn’t a couple in the world who would consider this relationship mutually beneficial. Everyone thinks it’s impossible.
Hi I’m Meghan, and I run the blog Arkansas Bound. I’m a former nurse turned full time mommy and military wife and today we’re going to dive into two ways people perceive a woman leaving the workforce.
And how they will or undoubtably think of you if you’ve chosen to be a stay at home mom!
And how you will have to strive to overcome the narratives every single day. I want you to have the motivation to keep yourself confident in your decision to stay home.
This is a reminder to myself as well, to let the comments roll right off my back.
There are a few reactions you’ll get as a stay at home mom.
Some people will be genuinely happy for you, especially older moms who did the same or wish they had. Other women will be envious.
Another group of ladies will judge your work ethic. And finally you’ll have the raging feminist narrative of “you are oppressed by your husband”.
Well, I’ve heard and experienced them all.
What’s important to know is you’re just as human as those judging you. You probably internalized some of these criticisms and reserved them for others at one point in your life or another.
The norm now is: men in the workforce, women in the workforce, children in schools, and babies in daycare.
Because this is so accepted on a societal level, you can expect that people will be stumped by your lifestyle.
Why are you home?
Well: here’s what they think.
Societal Narrative #1: If you’re a Stay at Home Mom your husband is controlling
Chances are, if you have close friends you previously worked with who know you to be a good person, with good work ethic, and know you aren’t lazy: your husband is responsible for you leaving the workforce.
They think, “He must make her stay home.”
Being a stay at home mom may seem to society like a prison.
The funny thing is, there’s a couple of correlations that are hard to overlook that would imply it is everything but that.
Stay at home mom’s have lower divorce rates than working ones. So most women who stay home are most likely in a happier marriage. When you think about it, this really checks out.
If you are home as a wife, you probably get more time with your spouse.
There are fewer logistical conflicts to work out for date night. Also, fewer co-workers to complain about your spouse to.
There are more opportunities for intimacy.
Being home with your kids can prevent women from out earning their partners at work.
This is a HUGE deal.
Women initiate divorce in 68.9% of cases.
So it’s not the men who are to blame for most divorces. (That is, unless you ask the women.)
The divorce rate amongst stay at home moms being lower means that women who stay home must be in happier marriages.
Of course there is the argument that stay at home moms may not feel they have the resources required to leave.
I’d argue that’s unlikely.
If a stay at home mom got a divorce, in 9 states in the US is she guaranteed 50/50 split of property assets, but in the other 41 states they have what is called “equitable division” laws which still promote a 50/50 split. If a man was trying to leave you with nothing following a divorce: he’d be met with a court system that protects the woman.
There is also research correlating men with higher levels of financial trauma than women following a divorce.
This is all noted to drive the point home that women are truly in more satisfying marriages when they are stay at home moms. And: it’s incredibly unlikely that this would be the case if all the men were forcing them to stay home.
Another proven fact: Stay at home moms have higher fertility rates than working ones.
It’s also unlikely that women who were unhappy would be choosing to reproduce at a higher rate with a man they hated.
There is no argument that can be made that would invalidate that women hold all the cards when it comes to reproduction.
HIPAA protects the woman’s right to get birth control without ever informing her spouse.
Despite all this evidence to the contrary, people are still concluding that if you are living in a traditional household under traditional gender roles: someone is forcing you. And you’re unhappy to be there.
Feminist narratives (or should we say lies?) suggest that this lifestyle is not fulfilling for women. In reality the research supports God’s design for traditional gender roles. Women are happier in the home serving their family.
It’s not an oppressive set up, it’s a solution that promotes happier marriages and keeps the population from declining. (The population is declining by the way. Read about it here.)
A strong case could be made for the complete opposite actually. That higher education, women in the workforce, and modern societal values are ruining the ultimate happiness of women everywhere.
It’s actually unlikely that the average traditional marriage is plagued by a controlling husband.
It’s been fed to us all our lives that women are unfulfilled at home, so can you blame all the onlookers for judging you for being a stay at home mom? Honestly, no you cannot.
You’d probably judge you, too, if you hadn’t formulated strong values based on biblical truths!
Give people the grace they need to reconsider.
The evidence supporting the lifestyle you’re living is in the fruit your marriage and your children’s lives will bear.
Don’t provide any extra ammunition (gossip, venting, complaints, etc.) to onlookers that will allow them to judge your husband. Defend him publicly and privately if necessary.
Societal Narrative #2: If you’re a stay at home mom you’re lazy! You just don’t want to work! Why did you get a degree?
Here’s the bottom line. If you are a stay at home mom, someone is at fault. Your friends will think your husband is to blame, and his friends will think you are to blame.
You will be deemed lazy, a princess, and under ambitious. You won’t be good enough for him.
A drain on your family.
Hurtful!
And false.
Being a stay at home mom is challenging! But it provides you and your spouse with a desirable life.
A homemaker or stay at home mom fills many service rolls! The skills required make up several full time jobs.
Momma is a chef, a house keeper, a child care expert and much more.
An article that ran the numbers on all of these salaries and added them together concluded that a stay at home mom is worth a total salary of $96,261 every year.
How’s that for a worthless housewife?
You bring value to your family at home.
And you feel valued at home!
The reality is if you are a lazy woman, it doesn’t matter whether you’re in the workforce or not.
You’re going to be lazy wherever you find yourself.
If you are a hard worker and reliable person, you are also going to fill that role in any location you find yourself.
The truth is if you are hardworking your spouse will appreciate and value this more than any employer ever will.
Your children will appreciate you and your time you’ve devoted to them more than any employer ever will.
If you’re a lazy woman, chances are your spouse will be more forgiving than any employer ever will.
When I make dinner and have it waiting for my husband, you’d think I won a gold medal.
Every time I cook, “This is one of my favorite meals.”
When I pick up my baby and he stops crying and nuzzles into my neck, I just realize how much more valuable I am at home than I could ever be slaving away as just another number at at hospital.
I am everything to my family. I am disposable to the workforce.
How often do you hear your boss say, “Great job today, girl! I really like how you passed those meds! Really! One of your best shifts ever.”
I doubt you’re ever getting this feedback at work. If you do, I doubt it means as much as it does when it comes from your spouse.
If you make it your mission every week to make better meals than the last week, imagine the appreciation of your spouse.
When your spouse never has to rush through the grocery store with you again, drop their car off to get the oil changed, or cook regular dinners they appreciate it!
And just as you do for them, it is their turn to defend you: publicly and privately.
“My wife is so valuable to me in our home!”
Momma, here’s the truth
Your husband doesn’t suck, and you aren’t worthless. And while you know this information, it doesn’t automatically comfort you.
Being home is a privilege, but it can also be pretty isolating. No one understands your lifestyle.
20% of mothers choose to stay home.
You are in a minority, which means most people will look to you with confusion, and not admiration.
That is more than okay. And I have to remind myself of this every day.
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