That they totally shouldn’t.
“That’s nice that you think you can be a stay at home mom, but you probably can’t afford it.”
“When are you going to go back to work?”
“Don’t you get bored being at home all day?”
“Doesn’t your husband wish you would go back to work?”
I live in the feminist now, and so do you.
Women are corporate bees. Yet another able bodied worker. The workforce is desperate to pay you mediocre money to be a part of the machine.
Our culture values the woman who becomes the CEO! You got this girlfriend! Kill it.
Our culture does not place value on raising your own children. (Don’t get me started on why, that’s another post.) This has led people to see being a stay at home mom as a worthless endeavor.
Our culture wants you to buy a bigger house, but have a smaller family. Buy a more expensive car, but don’t have more children because their college tuition might mean you can’t take an annual European tour.
Don’t you want to have everything you want and not just more kids?
“You can’t give up your career to have children! What a waste of your potential. How will you ever have a fulfilling life if you’re just a mom?”
Hi I’m Meghan, a homemaker, military wife, and stay at home mom. I’m so glad you stopped by here today to talk with me about some of the most common comments made to stay at home moms. Without further ado, I’m going to tell you 6 things people will probably say to you, how to react with grace and class, and why you shouldn’t allow people to tell you what to do with your life.
I’m here to say that I’ve never felt more fulfilled than I do as a stay at home mom. There is nothing more gratifying than watching your baby draw each breath.
And snuggling with them.
And being their whole world.
If you feel the same way, you shouldn’t be told that you have to go back to work and serve someone who sees you as a completely disposable asset.
My husband, nor my children will ever be able to replace the value I bring as a wife and mother.
With all that in mind, it baffles me that people feel comfortable asking the questions below. We have to remember though, they’re going to.
“Are you ever going back to work or are you just going to be a stay at home mom?”
I was recently asked this at a wedding I was attending.
To this person’s credit they said this in the most polite way possible. It still caught me off guard because I’m new to this lifestyle and I wasn’t ready to answer anyone’s questions about my plan yet.
I truly feel like the motivation for her was true curiosity. This is why it’s so important to extend grace to people. A lot of people don’t realize they’re being rude. It’s so normalized in our culture to push women into the workforce that all these questions have become socially acceptable.
But, I was at this event surrounded by a bunch of unmarried doctoral graduates who made me realize, “Oh, I need to be ready to defend this choice confidently because people are going to ask me about it.”
Often our instinct as women is to be polite. But, don’t make yourself smaller when answering this question. Don’t say, “Well I know it’s not a glamorous life and most people don’t do this anymore. I’m going to, though.”
It’s easy to want to insert humility and belittle what you do, but there’s no need. The act of being a stay at home mom is humble in nature and you don’t have to make yourself sound unconfident or like you feel less than other people for choosing to do it.
You shouldn’t feel less than anyone else for choosing to stay home with your child and invest in their future.
Be proud to do it!
I truly didn’t feel like any of those people at this event were smarter or more capable than I am. But I wasn’t as confident giving my answer as I should have been. I wasn’t ready for this question in this setting.
I also recognized that I was surrounded by people who had very different values than I do. They probably valued education and career above starting their families and settling down.
It’s intimidating to step into the ring with someone who you know disagrees.
I replied to this woman and said: “Well, I just about can’t bear to leave him. Honestly, this rehearsal dinner is the longest I’ve ever been away from him. So I figure going back to nursing isn’t going to happen. And I have to say, nursing sucked the life out of me. Taking care of my baby makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I’m valued in my home and I can’t say I felt that way at work.”
Like I said good answer, just unconfident shy delivery. It was formulating as it left my mouth. I will say just answering this question honestly is probably the most affective action you can take. People aren’t expecting such blatant transparency.
That’s why blatant transparency is the best way to respond.
You shouldn’t let this question shake you up (like it did me). You are talking to an indoctrinated robot.
Harsh?
Okay, Maybe.
True?
Abso-posi-lutely!
Think back to school. Grade school even. I don’t know about you but I was taught feminism. Not just feminism. I was taught that women loved to work!
I was taught that women got bored at home and needed to get out of the house in order to be truly fulfilled.
Remember watching the Cheetah Girls? “Girl Power! Girl Power!”
This nonsense that women have to be pop stars, princesses, doctors, or some kind of sensationalized success outside of the home was spoon fed to those of us who were born in the 90s.
This is important to remember when anyone is impolite to you about your choices. Give them some grace: you probably had the same image in your head of stay at home moms that they do at one point. It gets painted by society, not that individual. So don’t take it out on them.
“What do you do all day?”
There are two easy ways to respond to this question. Both are a bit cheeky, but very respectful.
- You don’t have children do you?
- This forces the attention back on them in a humorous way that will put the focus back on them but also move right on from the statement entirely.
- Or, you can also go with.
- What do you do all day at your cubicle/desk/fill in the blank as needed?
- This was something Mrs. Midwest offered as an antidote to this statement in reference to being a housewife. I think it’s so valuable I have to include it here.
- Imply interest in their field! You don’t understand their job either. You just put yourself on a leveled playing field by displaying confidence. What you do all day is just as important or relevant as what they do all day.
To me, all this question implies is that you’re talking to someone who is ignorant of the duties of motherhood.
Don’t let these thoughtless comments affect you or your decision in any way. See them for what they are.
It may be genuine curiosity, it may be an attempt to belittle your choices to make them feel better about their own. Regardless of intent, it’s not about you.
“That’s nice that you think you’re going to be able to be a stay at home mom, but you probably can’t afford to do that.”
Of all places I got this one at church. It was an older lady who said this to me.
This was absolutely intended to make me feel young and naive. I was obviously not as smart or worldly as her.
It probably also stemmed from a place of jealousy. Maybe she wasn’t afforded this opportunity with her own child and she resents that.
Don’t ever let a comment like this surprise you. I definitely wouldn’t let it insult you.
I simply responded with, “Actually, I will get to stay home. My husband is a good provider and we are very conscious of our finances. We will have to make sacrifices, but they will be worth it.”
I’ve rarely felt prouder of myself than I did in that moment.
Don’t let an outsider who’s trying to make themselves feel big tell you what you can or can’t afford to do.
A confident and gracious, “You’re wrong. I know you don’t have any evidence to back this up. So just don’t feel the need to weigh in.” is very effective. I can guarantee that if they had expected this response, they never would have said anything.
“Don’t you get bored?”
I think this is a genuine question that stems from a lack of understanding your lifestyle. I truly do not get insulted by this question.
The best answer is, “No.”
You could take an example from above and ask them if they ever get bored at work. If they’re insulted they will understand why this was an inappropriate question. If they aren’t it will get them talking about their job and take the attention off you.
Don’t let someone’s ignorance be an attack on your confidence in your decision making. Don’t even let it bother you.
“Doesn’t your husband want you to work?”
This isn’t something I’ve directly received but I can practically hear it being whispered behind closed doors.
Best response: tell them the truth.
My response was, “My husband prefers that I’m a stay at home mom. He works long hours and I worked every other weekend as a nurse. We rarely saw each other. Now we get to spend a lot more time together. We also both prefer that I’m home taking care of our child rather than a stranger.”
Have this dialogue with your spouse and he will feed you your answer.
Don’t worry about this person, they are probably just envious of your decision and want the stay at home mom life for themselves. There should only be two people worried about your employment status.
You and your spouse.
“Don’t you feel like you’re missing out on fulfilling your potential by being a stay at home mom?”
This comes back to those pesky indoctrinated robots.
“Your potential cannot be at home because women were unfulfilled in that lifestyle in the 1950s.”
The statistics on this are truly shocking, the brainwashing has been incredibly effective. The median age for first marriages in 2021 for women was 28.2. This leaves only two years of your best fertility window (your 20s) remaining for reproduction. It’s also unlikely most people will immediately choose to start having children.
You know brainwashing is involved when people don’t do what makes sense, and this statistic is just exhibit A.
To this point, I would recycle one of my other answers from above.
“I’ve never felt more fulfilled than I do now. Meeting the needs of the people I care about is far more fulfilling than any job I’ve ever worked.”
I would say this because it’s true.
I know people’s commentary can be annoying. But realize that most of what people say about your lifestyle has absolutely nothing to do with your choice. It has everything to do with theirs. I hope I have given you some responses you can confidently spout in your next moment of need.
Feel free to swing back by the blog!
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